Hi everyone! I wasn't planning on writing another blog post after the birth story, however I have learned and been through some things in the past 3 1/2 weeks that I feel just have to be shared. I mainly think they need to be shared because I was not given any warning as to what I would go through physically or emotionally and I want everyone I can tell to know some things so they won't be surprised.
First I would like to start with I never believed postpartum depression or the "baby blues" were real. I was always skeptical of women who said they had it because it just didn't make sense to me. How could a woman be depressed when her baby was finally here??? Well I am here to say I was wrong. Postpartum depression is very real and I had no idea how fast it would hit me or how hard it would be to work through. We went home from the birthing center on the 19th the day after Onyx was born and that whole day I was excited that he was here but I was also very tired and ready to go home. Andy's parents were staying with us for a few days and tons of people had visited us at the center. As much as I loved seeing our friends and family I started to feel resentment towards anyone that wanted to hold my child. I felt like I had not bonded with him at all yet, it seemed like everyone wanted to snatch him out of my arms and hold him for hours at a time. That night in our room I broke down with Andy. I burst into tears and told him I felt like I hadn't gotten to and couldn't hold my son. I told him that I had sat up all day talking to visitors and my crotch and tailbone were so sore I felt like I couldn't sit up which made me feel like I couldn't hold Onyx. Andy had a brilliant idea for me to lay down and he laid Onyx on my chest. Onyx was fussing and crying but he immediately stopped when he was laid on my chest and I just laid there sobbing from the joy of feeling like I could finally spend time with my son. It sounds so silly because obviously I had held him before that time but I my emotions and hormones were so out of whack and everything was so new I just wanted to be left alone with Andy and our child.
The rest of the weekend I was overly protective and frankly jealous of anyone who wanted to hold Onyx. I didn't want anyone to hold him except me or Andy just because I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I cried so much those first days. I would just be sitting doing nothing and start crying. I cried for hours at night with just the feeling of sadness that nobody was paying attention to what I wanted. Because of my want to bond with Onyx and to be the only one to hold him I really over worked myself that Saturday. I hardly ate or drank anything because that would mean that I would have to put him down and someone else might hold him. I was also not expecting my crotch to be incredibly sore, so sore that it hurt to sit or to stand but I refused to put Onyx down and fought through the pain so that I could keep holding him. Anytime I allowed someone else to hold him (which was a rare occasion) I was so nervous and judgmental of how they were holding him. I was afraid they were going to hurt his neck or head or drop him and it was way too much to take in. I don't mind any of the people who came to see us or brought us stuff it was all so very nice and I appreciated it so much and my brain knew that my emotions were insane, however it was all so overwhelming that I really think with our next child I will ask that we limit visitors to at least 3 days after birth. Now that I know that I am susceptible to depression I need to remember to take care of myself for those few days to get my life back into order before I try to have visitors.
Once we got past the weekend and were alone with Onyx and started living our new life as parents everything calmed down for me. I wasn't overwhelmed anymore and I started feeling much better. My vagina and tailbone were really sore for about 5 or 6 days. After that they were still sore but much more tolerable and bearable. I was bleeding pretty heavy for a week and it's slowly slacked off. It's almost completely gone now which I wasn't expecting it to last almost 4 weeks! That's an incredibly long time to wear uncomfortable pads. At this point the soreness is completely gone, it went away around 2 1/2 weeks and that made it easier to deal with a baby who wanted to be held and rocked :).
As far as how coping with a baby in the house has gone. We've been doing really well. At first we were extremely sleep deprived. Onyx decided he would sleep during the day and get up night. Luckily we have reversed that somewhat and finally he is sleeping more at night. We're getting 3 hours at a time now! We love being parents and Onyx is adorable (we're biased but he is :)).
In closing of this post I hope all you ladies out there know that the baby blues are real and they are hard but you can get through it! Especially if you have support. Luckily I have an amazing husband who comforted me and helped me get through it. :)
