Well, I'm sure everyone is wondering what the title of this weeks post means. It is definitely something I have been struggling with and it is something that I wasn't going to share with everyone. However, I've been convicted to share. So I am coming out of my own comfort zone this week and letting everyone in on my personal life.
This is not my first pregnancy. Andy and I got pregnant right before Thanksgiving last year and were planning on telling the whole family at Thanksgiving dinner. However, I lost the baby about 2 days before. I was only 5 weeks along but I was still very attached to the thought of being pregnant and was devastated to find out I had lost it. I had gone to the midwife right after I got a positive pregnancy test to get it confirmed with a blood test. She called me a few days later and said she wanted to test my blood again because my HCG levels were so low. I really didn't think anything about that because I didn't know a lot about HCG levels. I learned however extremely low levels, like mine were, indicates you will more than likely miscarry. I was so excited that I was pregnant and was getting more excited by the day. I had cramping but thought that was normal (which it is in a lot of women) until I went to the bathroom at work and I was bleeding horribly. Somehow I kept my composure long enough to make it to my car to call Andy but that's when I lost it. I cried and cried and bless his heart I'm surprised he could understand anything I was saying. I called my midwife shortly after and she told me she expected it because of the HCG levels. Later in the week I had to go see her and I was filled with questions, does this mean I will have problems carrying children? did i do something to cause this?? Of course the answer was no to my questions. Basically what happened is completely normal, sometimes chromosomes are really messed up and your body gets rid of what would be a child because it wouldn't survive anyway. This all made sense to me because I have a biology degree but it didn't stop me from being extremely sad. The part of the story to pull on your heart strings even more is when I went to the midwife's office right after I had lost it there was a little girl in the waiting room with her pregnant mom who came and sat by me and said "do you have a baby growing in you too?". I really cannot tell you how I didn't burst into tears when that little girl asked me that but somehow I did and just said "no sweetheart I don't have a baby growing in me". She was such a precious little girl and she was so drawn to me that day and even wanted to stay with me in the waiting room while her mom went back for her appointment. I said it was fine if she stayed with me and we played with toys and talked and actually had a decent time. I truly believe that little girl was sent to me because I needed it so badly that day. It was a reminder that this wasn't the end of the world and one day I would have my own child to play with.
Now, with all that being said, baby soybean is fine!!! The midwife has assured me there is no reason to be concerned whatsoever about him/her. It is a scary thing though to have gone through one miscarriage because you constantly worry that something is going to happen to this one (even though it's irrational). I have gotten much better from talking to other women who have gone through the same thing as I have, and having such a supportive husband, family and friends. Interestingly enough this is not uncommon. There are so many women who have had one or even multiple miscarriages who have never told anyone. I completely understand not telling people. People say things that are insensitive and the last thing you want is sympathy during that time, but I think maybe it is time to break the mold a little bit. I felt like I was the only woman who had ever had to go through this because people won't talk about it. I truly believe it helps to talk about it and I truly believe we women can help each other more than anything else. I am willing to talk about it now and I would be more than willing to talk to anyone else who needs that ear to listen when her world is falling apart.
I don't think I will regret this post. I do truly feel that God wants me to share this with everyone because it could potentially help someone else. I would rather be out of my comfort zone and help someone than be in it and never get to help :) I love you all very much!
